Something Magical happened today....

I can't remember if I told you ... we started a fundraiser on GiveForward.org. The advice of some great friends pushed us to start it. I was reluctant at first, but holy cow! It's unbelievable to see the generosity of people! That's been wonderful. The support and love is breath taking. There's an area where you can give updates and here's my last one on there:

I know it's been awhile since I've updated anyone on what's been going on. We have still been going forward with all the tests needed. Finally! We are DONE with the blood work! Yahoo! At least I hope so anyway haha. One of my hormone levels was low so I was on medication to regulate that. It's finally at a normal reading sooooo....doc said it's go time! As of right now, we are unable to afford the full IVF. However, I know with the power of good vibes and prayer, we can make IUI work!  Doc will find out the right fertility medication to take before we do the procedure so it may be another month before it actually happens. Good news is, we have never been this far into the process. We aren't taking steps back anymore. We are FINALLY making progress!! 

Thank you so much for all your generosity. All of your donations are going towards the IUI procedure. We will be shutting down this fundraiser soon, as I know it's the holiday season and there are people in need, so much more in need, of donations than we are. We are sincerely honored to call all of you friends. You have no idea what your generosity means to us. Thank you all again. So so much. From the bottoms of our hearts. <3

Love,

Steph and Josh

With that being said...We were told the meds we needed and ordered them. This is where the magic happens...

I was on my way home from work tonight, listening to Pandora. I turned on my street and a song came on the station that didn't match what the station was about...

It was a beautiful song so I let it play. I turned into my driveway and saw the box sitting on my door step...the box with the fertility drugs I ordered. My heart skipped. I stopped the car, got out, picked up the box and went back to my car and sat in my driveway, holding the box, and cried. I cried and smiled so big. A feeling of hope and happiness took over me and it was such a beautiful event. The song was perfect. The rainy sky. Just me holding what could possibly be my entire future in a little brown box. It was pure magic. That song just made everything perfect.  

I know it sounds weird and dramatic to some of you. But we have been on this chaotic journey for so long and we've never been this far...it's finally happening. Things are finally moving forward. 

ANNNND we have a second dose of good news!

I received my test results from the doc today. Like I said earlier, I got antsy so I called the nurse to get Josh's results and he gave them to me, however, doc went over them again with me. Josh's analysis is normal! He's all good! WHEW! Now it's my turn...long story short, my prolactin levels are high. I had to Google "prolactin level and infertility" to find out it kind of tells my ovaries (in my case, ovarY) what to do. Since, I'm only working with one, this isn't good. Doc immediately started me on Parlodel and then I go back in three weeks to check my levels again. If they are normal, we decide what route to go. If they are abnormal still, we up the dose. 
This might sound weird to some, but this is all good news! I was really hoping one of my levels was off because then at LEAST it's an answer! This is getting us somewhere :) More answers = closer to Baby Blue.

:) <3

FINALLY! SOME GOOD NEWS!

Here's a first! Josh had another test done last week so I called to get the results today. Now, keep in mind, poor guy has had this done before TWICE and both times the Florida docs said about the results "now, this isn't the greatest...blah blah blah." The way they look at their tests results (semen) is with a microscope. Dr. Horrowitz at Sher Institute actually uses TECHNOLOGY! Gasp! What's that?! (sarcasm is thick here) He's able to get an entirely different and better look and Josh's gentlemen. Turns out, Josh's army is fantastic! All the areas Josh was tested, he passed with flying colors! At times doubling the expectation! GO JOSH! 

So here we are. I have my tests done in a week. After that we will all get together and go over everything and plan the next step.

In the meantime, all my friends' and family's support has been so wonderful. We appreciate every text, note, call, EVERYTHING from EVERYONE. This just shows you the power of love and being loved. Our spirits are lifted and we are in it to win it! <3 <3

Starting to lose hope...

I haven't been on here since Dr. Horowitz called me back after he received all my results from the docs in Florida. It was hard for me to wrap my head around what had happened. 

To sum it up, doc started talking about my Endometriosis. Yea, same reaction I had. I said to him "My WHAT?" He said, "You have Endometriosis. You didn't know?" I said "No! I didn't know that! No one told me this!" Doc proceeded to tell me that after they took my ovary, they detected the E word and the places it showed up were causing it to be damn near impossible for me to get pregnant. YET, they continued to have blood work drawn and never once mentioned they found this. I lost it. I came home and my mother in law talked with me for awhile and hugged me. Thank God she was there. I needed her so badly. I need her today again...

After all this happened, doc said he wanted to take my blood work again because it's been a year and he wants to do it himself. You can tell he doesn't trust the Florida docs and after all this I can't say I blame him. Sooo...My husband had his boss make sure our insurance would start in time for the blood work to be drawn. If you've followed my blog you know that the blood work has to be done at a certain time of month. Here's some TMI...It's Wednesday and I started yesterday so my blood HAS to be drawn tomorrow. I called to make the appointment and guess what...There's been a "misunderstanding" with the insurance. It won't start for a couple more weeks. So I can't have my blood drawn this month. Which means we have to wait another month.

Before you say "it's just one more month" keep in mind my journey. Keep in mind this is 3 years of waiting, and tears, and disappointment, and heart ache, and watching all my friends get pregnant with ease. Everyone BUT ME! Keep in mind I thought I would have two toddlers right now. Keep in mind it's one negative answer after another. Not ONCE have I received even one single piece of good news! Not once has someone said "we've found the answer!" Not once have I left a doc's office smiling. 

So this is me today. Trying so hard to keep going. 

New Doc

I don't even know if I'm in the right frame of mind to do another post. I'm numb/frustrated/sad/pissed off. 
I spoke to my new doctor today. Finally, a fertility specialist. From the get go I could tell he's been doing this a long time. He explained to me he was in the military and found out he and his wife would have complications getting pregnant. They tried for EIGHT YEARS. He said over and over "I've been in your shoes. I've worn that shirt. I know how it feels." Finally, they were able to conceive two babies. So he got out of the military, used the grants to go back to school, and became a fertility specialist. This made me feel good because he DOES know what I'm going through. I'm sure he's seen his wife imobile from the sheer exhaustion of the emotional roller coaster that is our process of trying to get pregnant.

Doc went over all their procedures in great detail, which I appreciated. You can only read so many horror stories on the internet until you find the truth.
Then, he gets to the point. He said he's gone over some of our information. He hasn't been able to obtain all records. He says, "I don't agree with your former doctors. I don't think you and Josh 'Don't mesh.' He should not have said that to you. My main concern is you." With this, the knife was back in my heart and all my worries and thoughts were confirmed. He went into detail about how he's afraid of scarring from my previous surgeries and some other health issues I have that could be pertaining to our pregnancy problems. He also addressed the fact that I only have one ovary now and said I have half the eggs of a normal 31 year old. He thinks there's an issue with me.

ALL OF THESE WERE ISSUES I HAD BROUGHT UP THAT MY DOCS HAD ALL SAID WEREN'T A PROBLEM! 
I'm SO TIRED of one doc refuting another and coming up with another test. JUST GIVE ME THE MEDICINE TO GET PREGNANT! I've been tested and operated on for A YEAR STRAIGHT! 

Just. Fix me.

I'm exhausted. I have wine headaches in the mornings and I didn't even drink any wine. I'm upset. I'm angry. I'm sad. I just don't understand. How is this fair?? All I want to do is lay in bed and it's becoming a fight to get myself to do things. I feel myself slipping away and I'm trying to stay positive but it's so hard. 

So now, I wait until his nurse calls me and tells me the next step. I wait. That's all I do these days. Wait.

Darling don't be afraid...

Words to a song haven't meant this much to me in a long time. I've heard the song before...but lately it means something so completely different. Christina Perri's A Thousand Years captures what I can see myself thinking when I look at the face...

I have died every day waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

I will wait as long as it takes for that moment.

A new chapter means a new outlook...

I realize it's been a bit since I last posted. A lot has changed. We moved back to Peoria, Il to be with our family. We've started the process of buying a home and are currently living with my wonderful, giving, in-laws. They've been so supportive in our journey home. The process was waiting. Patience is not my number one asset so when I knew we'd have to put our baby hopes on hold, it sort of took a part out of me. However, now that Josh and I have settled into our new jobs and our insurance is updated, we move on!

I have a friend who was having her own share of issues in the pregnancy world. She sought a doc in Peoria who helped her along. And now, she's expecting! Her and I aren't close...she's actually a friend of a friend, but I have hung out with her and her husband before. They are awesome people and when I heard the great news, I was elated for them. I thought, "So maybe there's hope for me!" I got her doc's info and called today.

I spoke to the nurse who was very helpful from the get go. I have a consult next Friday to begin the preparations!

I have to tell you, after I made the appointment today I had goosebumps and couldn't stop smiling. FINALLY! The biggest step we'll make! Seeing a fertility specialist is what I've wanted from the moment I realized something was wrong. And now it's happening! I have a new outlook on our journey and I am once again filled with immense hope. Now, we send positive vibes into the atmosphere and just envision that sweet baby's face. :)

Until next time!

numb

Numb might be too easy a description for how I feel. Depressed? Sad. I don't care anymore. That last one's a lie because if I didn't care I wouldn't be this upset. It's starting to sink in that now, when Josh and I make love, it won't be resulting in a pregnancy. Ever. I'll never be able to say "Oh yea. I remember that night! It was so beautiful and special. That was how you were made. The result of a love so powerful it had to explode into another human being." This will never be the case. Ever. We are a statistic. We are the 10% who are fertile separately, but not fertile together. How is that possible? The way Josh's doctor put it was so ... doctor like. No emotion whatsoever. "Separately, you can have a family. Together, you can't." That phrase keeps going through my head over and over and over. "Together, you can't." And now I'm back to crying all the time. I'm so exhausted from all of the doctors and "no"s. I'm trying to fight off all the emotion by telling myself "at least we are healthy and things could be so much worse" but it's not helping when all my life all I've ever wanted was to be a mom.When I've always told Josh "if I can't have a baby I don't know what I'd do." It's starting to look like I'm going to find out how strong I can actually be. Or am. I want to take a break from it all but I don't want to stop until I find answers. 

So, we press on. Josh told me yesterday "Look at it this way. We found another answer in our detective work. Now let's find more answers with the specialist. We WILL solve this." I love him so much. 

"Together, you can't." ... Well, I don't believe that. Together, we can do ANYTHING!  Now, we must look for more answers. 

The Results Are In

Today is the day we get the results. I met Josh at his urologist and we wait for the doc to come in. I kind of already knew what was going to be said but here's what I hoped for:

1) You have a veraseal (sp?). With a little surgery we can take care of that and you'll be on your way.
2) Our bad! You guys are fine and in fact you're probably pregnant.

None of the above happened. In fact, doc said what I thought which is "Together, you can't have a baby naturally. With different partners, you probably would have a family already."
Well, minus that last part. I didn't expect our doctor to say that. I thought it was a bit harsh and disrespectful. He continued to give us a couple specialists in the area to choose from. He then proceeded to tell me he saw me on stage at the rock show my station put on and talked about that for ten  minutes. Hey pal, you just told me I can't get pregnant with the love of my life. Let's have some sort of respect here. I don't want to hear about your rock show experiences in Germany either. Tell me how to deal with this!

So this is where we're at. I'm very fertile. Josh is very fertile. Together, we are not. I don't understand. I'll never understand how we...seriously the best couple I know...can't have a baby. Why is it so God Damn difficult for our love to be shared and molded into a beautiful child? Why is it so fucking hard to make love tonight and have a gorgeous human being be the outcome of that? I went from cloud 9 to misery in a split second. My sister keeps saying "I know you guys will have a family. I just know it." But when doctor after doctor tells you "you're fine separately. Together, you're not," you tend to start believing them over your heart.    

Nervous

Monday, April 15th, we have a doctor's appointment with Josh's doctor to find out the results of all of his tests. They want me there, which makes me nervous. This is it. We'll find out if we are compatable. We are both fertile, but there's a chance we could be that 10% of couples who can't conceive together. This has been plaguing my every thought for the past month. On top of that, my station is putting on a ginormous concert the Sunday before the appointment so I'm stressed about that as well. This week has been hard on my hormones. I've had a break down and handled that ok. The constant fear in my head is what if we are that 10%? I didn't even know this existed! How can a couple with SO much love POSSIBLY not be able to share it with another human being? How is that possible? We're both healthy. So what's the problem? IVF costs $25,000 per SHOT. And that shot is not fool proof. This means we could be spending a lot of money, trying to conceive. Is it worth it? Absolutely. Monday will tell us everything. And it scares the shit out of me. I don't want to go to the appointment. I want to be ignorant to what's actually happening. I want to live in my happy little bubble and pretend this is not going on. But it is. So onward and upward. My next post will have a lot more information, hopefully. Here we go!

Jumping Hurdles Like an Olympian

I'm in a good mood today and I'll tell you why...we're getting more answers!! Now, granted, they're not necessarily the answers we WANT (which would be "hey you're pregnant!") but, none the less, it's something. Josh had an appointment this morning with a new doctor to go over his semen analysis results since the last doc was worthless. This time around, Josh says this new doc went over EVERYTHING! Josh had an examination and everything was explained to him. Here's the dealio...Things look good for Josh! His sperm count is great but there was a little bit of deformation which can be normal. They want to look at another analysis to be sure. Here's the part that made me laugh...which I'm shocked because it's yet ANOTHER hurdle we may be given. Apparently, there is 10% of couples who, both are fertile, but can't seem to get pregnant. Us. The reason behind this is when implantation tries to take place a chemical from the both would-be parents attacks the process causing it not to happen. TEN PERCENT! Of course that's what it would be. Sooooo...Josh has another appointment to go over his next analysis results. If that comes back the way the last one was, or better, we both have to see a specialist to see if the Mean Chemical is the cause of the chaos. Josh told me "tell your soldiers to stand down!" haha! Yea, we've developed quite a sense of humor through all this.
 I'm a lot more calm these days and going with the flow. I don't get upset when I watch baby shows, I don't even cry anymore. I'm in a really good place with all of this. I know things happen for a reason. I know there's a path Josh and I must follow. Right now we're just walking the path and jumping the hurdles as they come. Which is fine 'cause I was amazing with hurdles in track ;)

Another day, another blood test. I get SO nervous when I have to push out my blood into a tube! 1) It hurts. They've taken enough vials from me now that I'm pretty sure they're making another Stephanie somewhere. and 2) What if this is the vial that gives me the news that...I can't even say it. So, we test again! I will call my doc after this go 'round and we'll make an appointment to go over the results and then FINALLY, MAYBE, she'll prescribe something to help me out! GAH! What a long road this has been and is still going. Maybe next time I will have some news that's worth telling. Until then ... SMILE! Chin up! Things happen for a reason. <3

UDPATE: I got my blood work done and immediately call my doctor to make an appointment to go over the results. Also, Josh was instructed to fax his semen analysis results to my doctor so she could see them. When I called my doc to schedule, I asked to make sure they received the semen analysis. Dr. Shimp's nurse called me back and the conversation went like this:

Nurse: These are over a year old.
Me: Yes, Dr. Shimp knows that. She just wanted me to fax the results so she could see them herself.
Nurse: But it says his doctor already went over the results with you guys.
Me: yes, he did. Dr. Shimp just wanted to see them herself.
Nurse: So I don't quite understand what you would like from us seeing the results.
Me: I'm not the one who requested they be sent. Dr Shimp wanted them. Ask her.
Nurse: ok honey. I guess I'll call you back after I see what she says.

GAAAHHHH!!!!! Just put me on the frackin Chlomid like I asked and be done with this bs!!! This frustration is running my life these days. I swear I could work in a gynecologist's office after all I've had to deal with. She wanted the results. I'm not the doctor. Don't ask ME what to do next!!! That's YOUR JOB! sigh..... I'm at my witt's end. Just keep smiling, I guess. Things happen for a reason....this reason may be me strangling my doctor's nurse.

UPDATE: The nurse called me back. There was some miscommunication between the receptionist and the nurse as to what was needed. Now that I've calmed down a bit....Doc went over Josh's semen analysis. His doc missed something and there is an issue with Josh's results. Now my doc wants Josh's test done again. AND to speak with me in person about it. I lost it. Called my sis and just cried for a long time while she listened. What if he can't give me a baby? What if natural impregnancy isn't possible? What if I will never see that beautiful smile of Josh's on a kid of our own or have to deal my stubborness in our little girl? Bad news always comes to me while I'm at work. It forces me to not dwell on the news, dry my eyes, and realize I can't do anything about it at this moment. I'll just have to proceed with my day. Until I get home and my world falls apart again.