numb

Numb might be too easy a description for how I feel. Depressed? Sad. I don't care anymore. That last one's a lie because if I didn't care I wouldn't be this upset. It's starting to sink in that now, when Josh and I make love, it won't be resulting in a pregnancy. Ever. I'll never be able to say "Oh yea. I remember that night! It was so beautiful and special. That was how you were made. The result of a love so powerful it had to explode into another human being." This will never be the case. Ever. We are a statistic. We are the 10% who are fertile separately, but not fertile together. How is that possible? The way Josh's doctor put it was so ... doctor like. No emotion whatsoever. "Separately, you can have a family. Together, you can't." That phrase keeps going through my head over and over and over. "Together, you can't." And now I'm back to crying all the time. I'm so exhausted from all of the doctors and "no"s. I'm trying to fight off all the emotion by telling myself "at least we are healthy and things could be so much worse" but it's not helping when all my life all I've ever wanted was to be a mom.When I've always told Josh "if I can't have a baby I don't know what I'd do." It's starting to look like I'm going to find out how strong I can actually be. Or am. I want to take a break from it all but I don't want to stop until I find answers. 

So, we press on. Josh told me yesterday "Look at it this way. We found another answer in our detective work. Now let's find more answers with the specialist. We WILL solve this." I love him so much. 

"Together, you can't." ... Well, I don't believe that. Together, we can do ANYTHING!  Now, we must look for more answers. 

The Results Are In

Today is the day we get the results. I met Josh at his urologist and we wait for the doc to come in. I kind of already knew what was going to be said but here's what I hoped for:

1) You have a veraseal (sp?). With a little surgery we can take care of that and you'll be on your way.
2) Our bad! You guys are fine and in fact you're probably pregnant.

None of the above happened. In fact, doc said what I thought which is "Together, you can't have a baby naturally. With different partners, you probably would have a family already."
Well, minus that last part. I didn't expect our doctor to say that. I thought it was a bit harsh and disrespectful. He continued to give us a couple specialists in the area to choose from. He then proceeded to tell me he saw me on stage at the rock show my station put on and talked about that for ten  minutes. Hey pal, you just told me I can't get pregnant with the love of my life. Let's have some sort of respect here. I don't want to hear about your rock show experiences in Germany either. Tell me how to deal with this!

So this is where we're at. I'm very fertile. Josh is very fertile. Together, we are not. I don't understand. I'll never understand how we...seriously the best couple I know...can't have a baby. Why is it so God Damn difficult for our love to be shared and molded into a beautiful child? Why is it so fucking hard to make love tonight and have a gorgeous human being be the outcome of that? I went from cloud 9 to misery in a split second. My sister keeps saying "I know you guys will have a family. I just know it." But when doctor after doctor tells you "you're fine separately. Together, you're not," you tend to start believing them over your heart.    

Nervous

Monday, April 15th, we have a doctor's appointment with Josh's doctor to find out the results of all of his tests. They want me there, which makes me nervous. This is it. We'll find out if we are compatable. We are both fertile, but there's a chance we could be that 10% of couples who can't conceive together. This has been plaguing my every thought for the past month. On top of that, my station is putting on a ginormous concert the Sunday before the appointment so I'm stressed about that as well. This week has been hard on my hormones. I've had a break down and handled that ok. The constant fear in my head is what if we are that 10%? I didn't even know this existed! How can a couple with SO much love POSSIBLY not be able to share it with another human being? How is that possible? We're both healthy. So what's the problem? IVF costs $25,000 per SHOT. And that shot is not fool proof. This means we could be spending a lot of money, trying to conceive. Is it worth it? Absolutely. Monday will tell us everything. And it scares the shit out of me. I don't want to go to the appointment. I want to be ignorant to what's actually happening. I want to live in my happy little bubble and pretend this is not going on. But it is. So onward and upward. My next post will have a lot more information, hopefully. Here we go!