Could it be?!...

It's been quite a bit since I've logged on. A lot has happened! After our last failed IUI we decided to take a much needed break. We went to Florida and relaxed and it felt SO nice! Since then, we've made a big decision. We are going to adopt! We thought and prayed hard and realize our love and wanting to be parents so bad is not going to be stopped by something we don't have control of. There are children who need our love just as badly as a child born from me would. We spoke to a couple who has helped us tremendously along the way. 

Now, adoption is not an easy process. There are so many children in the world who need stable parents, like ourselves, so why do they make us jump through hoops and spend tens of thousands of dollars to save one of those beautiful babies?? That is another rant... I'll save that for later.

Here's the breakdown. We don't have $17,000 (if we did, we'd be doing IVF) and that's what the going rate is  for adoption through an agency. So...we are going through DCFS. First, we must become foster parents. We had a stack of papers big enough to rival the home owner application to fill out. Then we needed updated phsyicals and TB tests. THEN we needed to be finger printed. Done and Done. So now, we are enrolled in parenting class. Every Thursday for the next 9 weeks we meet for 3 hours and learn about what it means to be a foster parent. 

This class scares me. The goal of any DCFS agency is to get that kid back to it's family. So people like Josh and me...it's hard for us to find and adopt a baby through them. Financially, this is the only way we can afford to adopt. We just don't have an extra 17 g's sitting around. However, we are doing it because we know there is a child out there for us. Tonight is our second class.

Are you ready for the wrench to be thrown in the mix? I'm 5 days late. Before you start jumping for joy like I did yesterday, I have cramping and have been spotting so I'm assuming the vitamins and supplements I've been taking have made me irregular. Can you imagine joy and excitement the past few days though? I felt like I was pregnant. 

I had to pause there to collect myself. I thought, "Maybe, since we've been concentrating on something else, my body relaxed and I became pregnant!" You should have seen the glow on Josh's face. It KILLS me to know I'll never see that on OUR child. It KILLS me that it's going to take a couple years to be placed with a baby since we are wanting to adopt and not foster. (it "puts us in a different group" is how they worded it.) 

We'll just keep holding out hope and treating Papi and Dillinger as our kids. :) I'm sure they LOVE that.

Until next time...here's to big dreams and making them come true. <3

Taking a break

It's definitely been a bit since I've been on here. Josh and I decided to take a break from "trying" and testing. We are in a boat, now, that we really can't rock since we are just trying to find a financial option for IVF. We understand that's our only option.

 I do have to say, though, I haven't been this happy in a LONG time. I'm not questioning everything I put into my body. I'm not saying to myself "I'm ovulating!" and dragging Josh to the bedroom. I'm not having to stick a needle into my stomach every night.  I'm just living life and it's wonderful! This weekend Josh and I laughed like we haven't laughed in a long time and it felt SOOO good. I told him how amazing I've been feeling and he said "Yes, it's nice to have the old you back." He explained he knew I was depressed and it was hard on both of us. It really was. I would cry over EVERYTHING. I was constantly sad and would force myself to have a good time. And now, I AM having a good time! This doesn't mean I'm going to stop trying and researching, I'm just making some time for Josh and I to regroup.

We will continue to live the life we're meant to have and be thankful for everything we do have right now. We are completely blessed to be where we are today and are so thankful for everything. <3

And again...

After the last IUI failed, I told Josh I needed a break. Emotionally and physically I was just exhausted. The more I thought about it, the more I wanted to keep going. So we tried again. I mean right away tried. The day I got my period I called my doc and we had the option of starting that night or waiting a month. So, we started that night! This time we were a little more lax with everything. I still watched what I drank! I had a couple glasses of wine that weekend and that was it. We had the second IUI January 23rd and were supposed to test this Thursday. Yes, were. I started my cycle this morning.

Of course the million questions run through my head...should I have had those glasses of wine? Should I have carried and ran with my niece at her birthday party? Should I have taken a couple of weeks off of teaching tumbling even though I didn't spot like I normally do? I did this all morning until I was blue in the face. I could do this for the next week. It's in the past. All I can do now is decided what to do next. We are definitely taking that month off. I, honestly, don't know what to do now. I won't do another IUI. The next step will be IVF. The problem is getting the money for that. We bought our house in October so Josh said next year we can take a loan against the house and use that for IVF. 

I'm keeping it together...only because I'm at work. This morning was a different story. I have to teach tonight...same thing as last time this happened. I'm upset, disappointed, sad, confused, and feel so guilty. 

I probably won't be on here again for a while. All your prayers are so appreciated. Thank you for your support.

Many Thanks

I must put this out there and thank some people...I need to thank our employers, past and present, for being so unbelievably understanding and accomodating with all of the appointments and missed work days. I've had to unexpectedly leave work at times whether it be due to emotions from bad news or had to have a day off, sporadically, due to a procedure that needed to be done asap. Chris, Scott--you guys have made this a hell of a lot easier on me. Kevin and Alex, thank you for letting Josh be with me when it needed to happen and leave when we had appointments. I understand this is a pain in the ass to have to cover for us, but just know we greatly appreciate you guys. You have NO idea how much easier you guys make this on us. 

<3 Steph and Josh

So Weird

This keeps happening and I HAD to talk about it. 
One of the girls at work, who has been SO INCREDIBLY supportive, asks periodically how things are going with our process. I love talking to her about it because she's such a good listener. But then something weird happens...I work with a guy who's wife is pregnant and whenever he hears us talking about what's happening with me, he will come back to my office after my conversation is done and proceed to tell me how his wife's pregnancy is doing. For instance, the last time I was telling my friend how my hair is going gray from all this stress. I go back to my office and he follows me and tells me about his wife's latest baby doctor appointment. It'sjust weird. I don't know if he's that insensitive or just plain doesn't get it. I thought the first time it happened was just coincidence. But it keeps happening. It's annoying. 
Don't get me wrong! I LOVE to hear about other people's pregnancies and seeing the bellies and everything! But this guy and I aren't even close and he ONLY talks about it right after I'm asked how I'm doing. And it happens in my office, so it's not like he's trying to share with everyone. I just had to vent lol so thanks :)

Ok. Enough With the Feelings

Whew. I had a minor meltdown yesterday. I was expecting a different sort of day today...it being testing day and all. But it's not what I expected. So we move on. I did a lot of praying last night...something I don't do often and should. I also got many texts and messages from friends and family and those meant a lot to me. One in particular really renewed my faith in Him. It was very coincidental what I said in my prayers and then what the text said to me. Like one of my friends said, "It's ok to feel this way NOW but then we have to get up and keep going." So that's what I'm doing. Josh and I talked and we will try this again. I read a lot of forums about IUI and they all said 1 out of 3 work the first time. We just weren't that 1. Josh said it's about right...comparing to his luck with scratch off tickets haha! He always knows how to make things better. SOooo...I'll have that glass of wine tonight that I haven't had in a month and relax. We are going to take the next month off to breathe and then try try again! 

Thanks again to everyone for reading this blog. It started out as a private blog to be sort of therapeutic for me. Then, I published it as a way to keep family and friends updated so I didn't have to tell what's going on over and over...and now it's sort of become this community blog where I've found friends going through the SAME thing! Like I've always said...it's like this underground club you don't want to be a part of, but you are. :/ 

Positive vibes and lots of prayers! <3

Hurt Doesn't Come Close

I've stayed away from blogging for a bit because we finally had the funds to do our first round of IUI. I stopped my weekly wine dates, started eating healthy, getting sleep; I pretty much pretended I was already pregnant. 

We started the shots. Those were such a mind mess up! Shooting yourself in the stomach with a needle is the weirdest feeling/thing to do. Josh was right there with me, every night. Even when I started doing them by myself he would run into the bathroom and yell "Wait! I want to be here for you!" :') He has been the best through all this. We didn't tell anyone but my sister and sister in law this was happening. I didn't want to jinx anything and I didn't want anyone to know in case things didn't work out for the best. 

The day of insemination came. Holy cow the nerves were intense! Josh and I held hands the whole way to the appointment. He even got to inject the sperm into me! As it should happen ;) Afterwards we felt so great! It was such a wonderful feeling! This could be it! We could have just made a baby! As we left the ladies at the Sher Institute yelled "good luck!" I love those ladies. 

The two weeks after, I continued the action of a healthy diet and no alcohol. I told everyone I wasn't drinking due to the medicine I was taking. Of course I was thinking about different ways we could tell our family we were pregnant! My favorite was thinking about how I was going to tell my sister. I had so many ideas. Pinterest took up all of my time :)

Tomorrow is day 14...the day I was supposed to take the test. WAS...supposed to take the test. Yesterday I started spotting. I, of course, googled to see if it was ok. Lots of forums said it could be implantation bleeding. Ok. I can deal with this. Then the cramps. It's ok, I kept telling myself, It's just the implantation. Things are going to be ok.

Today, at work, I go to the bathroom and guess what happens. I start my period. I lose it. I'm a DJ and on the air. I had to pull myself together. It didn't work. After everything we've been through and it didn't work. Why didn't it work? I have to get it together. I'm on in five minutes. I call my sister and just sob. Uncontrollably sob. I miss my break on the air. I tell her I need to leave. I voice track my last four breaks and leave. I call my husband. Oh my God, I feel terrible. I feel like I let him down. I tried so hard to make this happen. He deserves a baby. He deserves to pass on his wonderful personality and view of the world. He deserves to show another person how to be such a beautiful human being. Just like him. Why didn't this work?? I did everything I could! I want my dad to be a grandpa to MY child. I want my mom to be a grandma to MY child. Why isn't this happening? I drive and drive, not knowing where I'm going. I end up at Target. I get my dog some treats...and then somehow end up in the baby section. 

This is so so hard. The feeling of my cramps right now. Knowing there isn't a baby in there instead. How do I keep doing this? We have done so much already. OVER three years now of constant medication and testing. I'm so so exhausted. Emotionally and physically. I need to take a break but I can't. I don't want to waste anymore time. 

I'm calling my doctor in the morning to discuss the next step. It's too late to try again this month but hopefully next month we can do it all over again. I'm so tired of that single line on the test.