I must put this out there and thank some people...I need to thank our employers, past and present, for being so unbelievably understanding and accomodating with all of the appointments and missed work days. I've had to unexpectedly leave work at times whether it be due to emotions from bad news or had to have a day off, sporadically, due to a procedure that needed to be done asap. Chris, Scott--you guys have made this a hell of a lot easier on me. Kevin and Alex, thank you for letting Josh be with me when it needed to happen and leave when we had appointments. I understand this is a pain in the ass to have to cover for us, but just know we greatly appreciate you guys. You have NO idea how much easier you guys make this on us.
<3 Steph and Josh
Monday, January 20, 2014
Friday, January 17, 2014
So Weird
This keeps happening and I HAD to talk about it.
One of the girls at work, who has been SO INCREDIBLY supportive, asks periodically how things are going with our process. I love talking to her about it because she's such a good listener. But then something weird happens...I work with a guy who's wife is pregnant and whenever he hears us talking about what's happening with me, he will come back to my office after my conversation is done and proceed to tell me how his wife's pregnancy is doing. For instance, the last time I was telling my friend how my hair is going gray from all this stress. I go back to my office and he follows me and tells me about his wife's latest baby doctor appointment. It'sjust weird. I don't know if he's that insensitive or just plain doesn't get it. I thought the first time it happened was just coincidence. But it keeps happening. It's annoying.
Don't get me wrong! I LOVE to hear about other people's pregnancies and seeing the bellies and everything! But this guy and I aren't even close and he ONLY talks about it right after I'm asked how I'm doing. And it happens in my office, so it's not like he's trying to share with everyone. I just had to vent lol so thanks :)
One of the girls at work, who has been SO INCREDIBLY supportive, asks periodically how things are going with our process. I love talking to her about it because she's such a good listener. But then something weird happens...I work with a guy who's wife is pregnant and whenever he hears us talking about what's happening with me, he will come back to my office after my conversation is done and proceed to tell me how his wife's pregnancy is doing. For instance, the last time I was telling my friend how my hair is going gray from all this stress. I go back to my office and he follows me and tells me about his wife's latest baby doctor appointment. It'sjust weird. I don't know if he's that insensitive or just plain doesn't get it. I thought the first time it happened was just coincidence. But it keeps happening. It's annoying.
Don't get me wrong! I LOVE to hear about other people's pregnancies and seeing the bellies and everything! But this guy and I aren't even close and he ONLY talks about it right after I'm asked how I'm doing. And it happens in my office, so it's not like he's trying to share with everyone. I just had to vent lol so thanks :)
Friday, January 10, 2014
Ok. Enough With the Feelings
Whew. I had a minor meltdown yesterday. I was expecting a different sort of day today...it being testing day and all. But it's not what I expected. So we move on. I did a lot of praying last night...something I don't do often and should. I also got many texts and messages from friends and family and those meant a lot to me. One in particular really renewed my faith in Him. It was very coincidental what I said in my prayers and then what the text said to me. Like one of my friends said, "It's ok to feel this way NOW but then we have to get up and keep going." So that's what I'm doing. Josh and I talked and we will try this again. I read a lot of forums about IUI and they all said 1 out of 3 work the first time. We just weren't that 1. Josh said it's about right...comparing to his luck with scratch off tickets haha! He always knows how to make things better. SOooo...I'll have that glass of wine tonight that I haven't had in a month and relax. We are going to take the next month off to breathe and then try try again!
Thanks again to everyone for reading this blog. It started out as a private blog to be sort of therapeutic for me. Then, I published it as a way to keep family and friends updated so I didn't have to tell what's going on over and over...and now it's sort of become this community blog where I've found friends going through the SAME thing! Like I've always said...it's like this underground club you don't want to be a part of, but you are. :/
Positive vibes and lots of prayers! <3
Thanks again to everyone for reading this blog. It started out as a private blog to be sort of therapeutic for me. Then, I published it as a way to keep family and friends updated so I didn't have to tell what's going on over and over...and now it's sort of become this community blog where I've found friends going through the SAME thing! Like I've always said...it's like this underground club you don't want to be a part of, but you are. :/
Positive vibes and lots of prayers! <3
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Hurt Doesn't Come Close
I've stayed away from blogging for a bit because we finally had the funds to do our first round of IUI. I stopped my weekly wine dates, started eating healthy, getting sleep; I pretty much pretended I was already pregnant.
We started the shots. Those were such a mind mess up! Shooting yourself in the stomach with a needle is the weirdest feeling/thing to do. Josh was right there with me, every night. Even when I started doing them by myself he would run into the bathroom and yell "Wait! I want to be here for you!" :') He has been the best through all this. We didn't tell anyone but my sister and sister in law this was happening. I didn't want to jinx anything and I didn't want anyone to know in case things didn't work out for the best.
The day of insemination came. Holy cow the nerves were intense! Josh and I held hands the whole way to the appointment. He even got to inject the sperm into me! As it should happen ;) Afterwards we felt so great! It was such a wonderful feeling! This could be it! We could have just made a baby! As we left the ladies at the Sher Institute yelled "good luck!" I love those ladies.
The two weeks after, I continued the action of a healthy diet and no alcohol. I told everyone I wasn't drinking due to the medicine I was taking. Of course I was thinking about different ways we could tell our family we were pregnant! My favorite was thinking about how I was going to tell my sister. I had so many ideas. Pinterest took up all of my time :)
Tomorrow is day 14...the day I was supposed to take the test. WAS...supposed to take the test. Yesterday I started spotting. I, of course, googled to see if it was ok. Lots of forums said it could be implantation bleeding. Ok. I can deal with this. Then the cramps. It's ok, I kept telling myself, It's just the implantation. Things are going to be ok.
Today, at work, I go to the bathroom and guess what happens. I start my period. I lose it. I'm a DJ and on the air. I had to pull myself together. It didn't work. After everything we've been through and it didn't work. Why didn't it work? I have to get it together. I'm on in five minutes. I call my sister and just sob. Uncontrollably sob. I miss my break on the air. I tell her I need to leave. I voice track my last four breaks and leave. I call my husband. Oh my God, I feel terrible. I feel like I let him down. I tried so hard to make this happen. He deserves a baby. He deserves to pass on his wonderful personality and view of the world. He deserves to show another person how to be such a beautiful human being. Just like him. Why didn't this work?? I did everything I could! I want my dad to be a grandpa to MY child. I want my mom to be a grandma to MY child. Why isn't this happening? I drive and drive, not knowing where I'm going. I end up at Target. I get my dog some treats...and then somehow end up in the baby section.
This is so so hard. The feeling of my cramps right now. Knowing there isn't a baby in there instead. How do I keep doing this? We have done so much already. OVER three years now of constant medication and testing. I'm so so exhausted. Emotionally and physically. I need to take a break but I can't. I don't want to waste anymore time.
I'm calling my doctor in the morning to discuss the next step. It's too late to try again this month but hopefully next month we can do it all over again. I'm so tired of that single line on the test.
We started the shots. Those were such a mind mess up! Shooting yourself in the stomach with a needle is the weirdest feeling/thing to do. Josh was right there with me, every night. Even when I started doing them by myself he would run into the bathroom and yell "Wait! I want to be here for you!" :') He has been the best through all this. We didn't tell anyone but my sister and sister in law this was happening. I didn't want to jinx anything and I didn't want anyone to know in case things didn't work out for the best.
The day of insemination came. Holy cow the nerves were intense! Josh and I held hands the whole way to the appointment. He even got to inject the sperm into me! As it should happen ;) Afterwards we felt so great! It was such a wonderful feeling! This could be it! We could have just made a baby! As we left the ladies at the Sher Institute yelled "good luck!" I love those ladies.
The two weeks after, I continued the action of a healthy diet and no alcohol. I told everyone I wasn't drinking due to the medicine I was taking. Of course I was thinking about different ways we could tell our family we were pregnant! My favorite was thinking about how I was going to tell my sister. I had so many ideas. Pinterest took up all of my time :)
Tomorrow is day 14...the day I was supposed to take the test. WAS...supposed to take the test. Yesterday I started spotting. I, of course, googled to see if it was ok. Lots of forums said it could be implantation bleeding. Ok. I can deal with this. Then the cramps. It's ok, I kept telling myself, It's just the implantation. Things are going to be ok.
Today, at work, I go to the bathroom and guess what happens. I start my period. I lose it. I'm a DJ and on the air. I had to pull myself together. It didn't work. After everything we've been through and it didn't work. Why didn't it work? I have to get it together. I'm on in five minutes. I call my sister and just sob. Uncontrollably sob. I miss my break on the air. I tell her I need to leave. I voice track my last four breaks and leave. I call my husband. Oh my God, I feel terrible. I feel like I let him down. I tried so hard to make this happen. He deserves a baby. He deserves to pass on his wonderful personality and view of the world. He deserves to show another person how to be such a beautiful human being. Just like him. Why didn't this work?? I did everything I could! I want my dad to be a grandpa to MY child. I want my mom to be a grandma to MY child. Why isn't this happening? I drive and drive, not knowing where I'm going. I end up at Target. I get my dog some treats...and then somehow end up in the baby section.
This is so so hard. The feeling of my cramps right now. Knowing there isn't a baby in there instead. How do I keep doing this? We have done so much already. OVER three years now of constant medication and testing. I'm so so exhausted. Emotionally and physically. I need to take a break but I can't. I don't want to waste anymore time.
I'm calling my doctor in the morning to discuss the next step. It's too late to try again this month but hopefully next month we can do it all over again. I'm so tired of that single line on the test.
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