I've been asked to update my blog lately and I just haven't really wanted to. It feels like every time I do, it's because something bad has happened. I actually had to look back to read what was last written because it's been so long. It's been 9 months...which is ironic because my last post was about my period being late. Clearly, that didn't result into what I had hoped for. So where are we now...
We are still adopting :D We are a licensed Foster Family Home now and are just waiting to be matched! Now I know I wrote the last treatment we did would be the final one...but I did ANOTHER one. If I come across something that could be beneficial, I'll try it. Josh was concerned with this one. It was a shot I would have to take once a month and a pill every night to try and "dry up" my endometriosis. The side effects were brutal. I went into early menopause so my body would have time to clear out as much of the endo as possible. I was tired ALL the time. I was sad ALL the time. I cried ALL the time. I sank into this black hole and it kept getting deeper and deeper so I finally said "I can't do this anymore. I'm afraid of what it's doing to me mentally" so we stopped before the cycle was done. It was supposed to last 6 months but I could only do 3 months. Josh said "That's it. No more treatments." It was taking a toll on me and, in turn, on him. 
That last shot was in November. They said it could take three months for the meds and side effects to stop. 
My energy is back, I want to do things again, it's SO nice! 
The past five years have been....educational. I NEVER thought I would be told I can't have kids. My whole life I wanted to be a mom. Even when I was a kid myself I looked forward to being a mom one day. I'll always struggle with this and feel such guilt for not being able to give Josh a baby of his own. I think that's what hurts the most. 
So this is where we are today...in limbo again. Just waiting for Baby Blue to find us. 

Could it be?!...

It's been quite a bit since I've logged on. A lot has happened! After our last failed IUI we decided to take a much needed break. We went to Florida and relaxed and it felt SO nice! Since then, we've made a big decision. We are going to adopt! We thought and prayed hard and realize our love and wanting to be parents so bad is not going to be stopped by something we don't have control of. There are children who need our love just as badly as a child born from me would. We spoke to a couple who has helped us tremendously along the way. 

Now, adoption is not an easy process. There are so many children in the world who need stable parents, like ourselves, so why do they make us jump through hoops and spend tens of thousands of dollars to save one of those beautiful babies?? That is another rant... I'll save that for later.

Here's the breakdown. We don't have $17,000 (if we did, we'd be doing IVF) and that's what the going rate is  for adoption through an agency. So...we are going through DCFS. First, we must become foster parents. We had a stack of papers big enough to rival the home owner application to fill out. Then we needed updated phsyicals and TB tests. THEN we needed to be finger printed. Done and Done. So now, we are enrolled in parenting class. Every Thursday for the next 9 weeks we meet for 3 hours and learn about what it means to be a foster parent. 

This class scares me. The goal of any DCFS agency is to get that kid back to it's family. So people like Josh and me...it's hard for us to find and adopt a baby through them. Financially, this is the only way we can afford to adopt. We just don't have an extra 17 g's sitting around. However, we are doing it because we know there is a child out there for us. Tonight is our second class.

Are you ready for the wrench to be thrown in the mix? I'm 5 days late. Before you start jumping for joy like I did yesterday, I have cramping and have been spotting so I'm assuming the vitamins and supplements I've been taking have made me irregular. Can you imagine joy and excitement the past few days though? I felt like I was pregnant. 

I had to pause there to collect myself. I thought, "Maybe, since we've been concentrating on something else, my body relaxed and I became pregnant!" You should have seen the glow on Josh's face. It KILLS me to know I'll never see that on OUR child. It KILLS me that it's going to take a couple years to be placed with a baby since we are wanting to adopt and not foster. (it "puts us in a different group" is how they worded it.) 

We'll just keep holding out hope and treating Papi and Dillinger as our kids. :) I'm sure they LOVE that.

Until next time...here's to big dreams and making them come true. <3

Taking a break

It's definitely been a bit since I've been on here. Josh and I decided to take a break from "trying" and testing. We are in a boat, now, that we really can't rock since we are just trying to find a financial option for IVF. We understand that's our only option.

 I do have to say, though, I haven't been this happy in a LONG time. I'm not questioning everything I put into my body. I'm not saying to myself "I'm ovulating!" and dragging Josh to the bedroom. I'm not having to stick a needle into my stomach every night.  I'm just living life and it's wonderful! This weekend Josh and I laughed like we haven't laughed in a long time and it felt SOOO good. I told him how amazing I've been feeling and he said "Yes, it's nice to have the old you back." He explained he knew I was depressed and it was hard on both of us. It really was. I would cry over EVERYTHING. I was constantly sad and would force myself to have a good time. And now, I AM having a good time! This doesn't mean I'm going to stop trying and researching, I'm just making some time for Josh and I to regroup.

We will continue to live the life we're meant to have and be thankful for everything we do have right now. We are completely blessed to be where we are today and are so thankful for everything. <3

And again...

After the last IUI failed, I told Josh I needed a break. Emotionally and physically I was just exhausted. The more I thought about it, the more I wanted to keep going. So we tried again. I mean right away tried. The day I got my period I called my doc and we had the option of starting that night or waiting a month. So, we started that night! This time we were a little more lax with everything. I still watched what I drank! I had a couple glasses of wine that weekend and that was it. We had the second IUI January 23rd and were supposed to test this Thursday. Yes, were. I started my cycle this morning.

Of course the million questions run through my head...should I have had those glasses of wine? Should I have carried and ran with my niece at her birthday party? Should I have taken a couple of weeks off of teaching tumbling even though I didn't spot like I normally do? I did this all morning until I was blue in the face. I could do this for the next week. It's in the past. All I can do now is decided what to do next. We are definitely taking that month off. I, honestly, don't know what to do now. I won't do another IUI. The next step will be IVF. The problem is getting the money for that. We bought our house in October so Josh said next year we can take a loan against the house and use that for IVF. 

I'm keeping it together...only because I'm at work. This morning was a different story. I have to teach tonight...same thing as last time this happened. I'm upset, disappointed, sad, confused, and feel so guilty. 

I probably won't be on here again for a while. All your prayers are so appreciated. Thank you for your support.

Many Thanks

I must put this out there and thank some people...I need to thank our employers, past and present, for being so unbelievably understanding and accomodating with all of the appointments and missed work days. I've had to unexpectedly leave work at times whether it be due to emotions from bad news or had to have a day off, sporadically, due to a procedure that needed to be done asap. Chris, Scott--you guys have made this a hell of a lot easier on me. Kevin and Alex, thank you for letting Josh be with me when it needed to happen and leave when we had appointments. I understand this is a pain in the ass to have to cover for us, but just know we greatly appreciate you guys. You have NO idea how much easier you guys make this on us. 

<3 Steph and Josh

So Weird

This keeps happening and I HAD to talk about it. 
One of the girls at work, who has been SO INCREDIBLY supportive, asks periodically how things are going with our process. I love talking to her about it because she's such a good listener. But then something weird happens...I work with a guy who's wife is pregnant and whenever he hears us talking about what's happening with me, he will come back to my office after my conversation is done and proceed to tell me how his wife's pregnancy is doing. For instance, the last time I was telling my friend how my hair is going gray from all this stress. I go back to my office and he follows me and tells me about his wife's latest baby doctor appointment. It'sjust weird. I don't know if he's that insensitive or just plain doesn't get it. I thought the first time it happened was just coincidence. But it keeps happening. It's annoying. 
Don't get me wrong! I LOVE to hear about other people's pregnancies and seeing the bellies and everything! But this guy and I aren't even close and he ONLY talks about it right after I'm asked how I'm doing. And it happens in my office, so it's not like he's trying to share with everyone. I just had to vent lol so thanks :)

Ok. Enough With the Feelings

Whew. I had a minor meltdown yesterday. I was expecting a different sort of day today...it being testing day and all. But it's not what I expected. So we move on. I did a lot of praying last night...something I don't do often and should. I also got many texts and messages from friends and family and those meant a lot to me. One in particular really renewed my faith in Him. It was very coincidental what I said in my prayers and then what the text said to me. Like one of my friends said, "It's ok to feel this way NOW but then we have to get up and keep going." So that's what I'm doing. Josh and I talked and we will try this again. I read a lot of forums about IUI and they all said 1 out of 3 work the first time. We just weren't that 1. Josh said it's about right...comparing to his luck with scratch off tickets haha! He always knows how to make things better. SOooo...I'll have that glass of wine tonight that I haven't had in a month and relax. We are going to take the next month off to breathe and then try try again! 

Thanks again to everyone for reading this blog. It started out as a private blog to be sort of therapeutic for me. Then, I published it as a way to keep family and friends updated so I didn't have to tell what's going on over and over...and now it's sort of become this community blog where I've found friends going through the SAME thing! Like I've always said...it's like this underground club you don't want to be a part of, but you are. :/ 

Positive vibes and lots of prayers! <3