Hurt Doesn't Come Close

I've stayed away from blogging for a bit because we finally had the funds to do our first round of IUI. I stopped my weekly wine dates, started eating healthy, getting sleep; I pretty much pretended I was already pregnant. 

We started the shots. Those were such a mind mess up! Shooting yourself in the stomach with a needle is the weirdest feeling/thing to do. Josh was right there with me, every night. Even when I started doing them by myself he would run into the bathroom and yell "Wait! I want to be here for you!" :') He has been the best through all this. We didn't tell anyone but my sister and sister in law this was happening. I didn't want to jinx anything and I didn't want anyone to know in case things didn't work out for the best. 

The day of insemination came. Holy cow the nerves were intense! Josh and I held hands the whole way to the appointment. He even got to inject the sperm into me! As it should happen ;) Afterwards we felt so great! It was such a wonderful feeling! This could be it! We could have just made a baby! As we left the ladies at the Sher Institute yelled "good luck!" I love those ladies. 

The two weeks after, I continued the action of a healthy diet and no alcohol. I told everyone I wasn't drinking due to the medicine I was taking. Of course I was thinking about different ways we could tell our family we were pregnant! My favorite was thinking about how I was going to tell my sister. I had so many ideas. Pinterest took up all of my time :)

Tomorrow is day 14...the day I was supposed to take the test. WAS...supposed to take the test. Yesterday I started spotting. I, of course, googled to see if it was ok. Lots of forums said it could be implantation bleeding. Ok. I can deal with this. Then the cramps. It's ok, I kept telling myself, It's just the implantation. Things are going to be ok.

Today, at work, I go to the bathroom and guess what happens. I start my period. I lose it. I'm a DJ and on the air. I had to pull myself together. It didn't work. After everything we've been through and it didn't work. Why didn't it work? I have to get it together. I'm on in five minutes. I call my sister and just sob. Uncontrollably sob. I miss my break on the air. I tell her I need to leave. I voice track my last four breaks and leave. I call my husband. Oh my God, I feel terrible. I feel like I let him down. I tried so hard to make this happen. He deserves a baby. He deserves to pass on his wonderful personality and view of the world. He deserves to show another person how to be such a beautiful human being. Just like him. Why didn't this work?? I did everything I could! I want my dad to be a grandpa to MY child. I want my mom to be a grandma to MY child. Why isn't this happening? I drive and drive, not knowing where I'm going. I end up at Target. I get my dog some treats...and then somehow end up in the baby section. 

This is so so hard. The feeling of my cramps right now. Knowing there isn't a baby in there instead. How do I keep doing this? We have done so much already. OVER three years now of constant medication and testing. I'm so so exhausted. Emotionally and physically. I need to take a break but I can't. I don't want to waste anymore time. 

I'm calling my doctor in the morning to discuss the next step. It's too late to try again this month but hopefully next month we can do it all over again. I'm so tired of that single line on the test.